


Recovery

by flootzavut



Series: Rosefern [14]
Category: Lie to Me (TV), NCIS
Genre: Blanket Permission, Episode: s09e24 Till Death Do Us Part, Friendship, Gen, Kate Lives, Kibbs, Rosefern, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:35:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29385687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: Kate goes to see her therapist on Oahu and is confronted with a few uncomfortable but helpful truths.
Relationships: Cal Lightman & Caitlin Todd, Gillian Foster & Caitlin Todd, Gillian Foster/Cal Lightman
Series: Rosefern [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/66585
Comments: 8
Kudos: 8





	Recovery

**Author's Note:**

> My muse kind of buggered off during lockdown, and we're only just back on speaking terms, so I've decided to post some things that are frankly long overdue to be posted, and not let the perfect be the enemy of the good, as they say! Given it's been two years this story's been waiting to be posted (and I've not posted anything for months)... I decided it's about time.
> 
> As such, things may be posted wildly out of order and/or to apparently neglected series, fandoms or AUs. But I'm posting. I aten't dead!
> 
> And yeah I shamelessly stole Gillian and Cal for Rosefern purposes and I'm not sorry.
> 
> Also this story does happen after the Harper Dearing attack from the end of S9; it's only referenced distantly but I feel like it is worth a warning.

* * *

_**Recovery** _

* * *

  
  
Gillian always had boxes of beads and cord out when Kate arrived, ever since her second appointment. It was strangely therapeutic to string beads while they talked. It worked so well to relax her, Kate wasn't even able to make herself be offended when she discovered it was a technique more typically used to help kids than adults. The bright colours and the creativity of it soothed her. And sometimes, on bad days, swiping all the beads off the cord in one go (as a safe kind of destruction) was just as helpful.

Today was mostly constructive, although she couldn't seem to make the necklace come together how she wanted. She liked the colours and shapes she had, but no matter which order she strung the beads, it just wasn't quite right, didn't fit the vague but pretty idea she had in her mind.

It wasn't a bad reflection of her life, she decided. Things were definitely getting better, but she still didn't feel like she had a handle on what she wanted her life to be and how she could go about getting it there. It hadn't been a good week. Ever since the explosion, she'd been on edge, expecting any day to hear something else, something worse. Knowing her friends back in DC were working the case hard didn't help; thinking of them on the front lines of this particular battle was terrifying.

A terrorist with a beef against NCIS was a too-familiar story. Past and future fears were bleeding together until she couldn't separate them, and her nightmares had intensified, morphing to encompass the new threat. She was haunted by images of her friends dead or dying, Tony, Abby... Gibbs.

She growled at the string of beads and slid them back into the bowl. If nothing else, this kept her fingers busy and bled off some of her tension. It didn't look like she'd have anything concrete to take home with her today, but she knew the talking part was more important, and she was at least trying with that, even if she wasn't being terribly successful right now.

Gillian touched the back of Kate's hand, just lightly, and Kate looked up. Gillian's face was sympathetic. "You can't force it, Kate."

Kate smiled ruefully. The comment fit both with her aborted necklace and with her discouragement about her recovery. "I'm not good at patience."

Gillian surprised her by laughing softly. "I think you underestimate yourself. After all the things you've survived, after everything you've been through, I have no doubt whatsoever in your ability to stay the course and make it through this as well. Both your personal recovery, and the situation back on the mainland."

"I wish I had your faith in me." Kate shook her head. "I feel like such a drama queen. It's ancient history. My friends are dealing with this big terrorist threat, and all I can do is have panic attacks about things that happened years ago."

"Experiences that horrific leave scars that need healing. It takes time." Gillian smiled sympathetically. "You're being there for them as best you can, I know you are, and I bet not a single one of them resents that you're still healing."

"But-" Kate frowned. "People have survived worse. I just... I should be more- more over it by now, shouldn't I? I should feel more... normal. They shouldn't need to still be worrying about me."

Gillian pursed her lips and shook her head. "Oh, Kate." She had a way of being exasperated that was so rooted in how much she cared, it gave Kate a warm feeling in her chest. "You aren't superwoman, you know, and no one but you expects you to be."

"I know."

"Do you, though? Do you really know?" Gillian searched Kate's face. "You faced things most people can barely imagine, then you had to focus all your energy on surviving and building a new life and a new identity out of nothing. It was incredibly hard. You're allowed to need time to heal."

"But it's been _years_!" It burst out without her permission, angry and frustrated. It was idiotic, she knew - after all, her dreams and panic attacks had started again as soon as she'd set foot in DC, and that was only a couple of months ago - but she felt like nothing was really helping, or at least not helping as fast as she was sure it should be. The temptation to blame Gillian for not fixing her was impossible to completely ignore, but mostly Kate was blaming herself for being weak.

"But it hasn't really, has it? Be honest with me, Kate, does it feel to you as if it was years ago? How long have you really had to process and deal with what was done to you?"

Kate scowled. It seemed incredibly unfair that seven years of coping with this crap amounted to almost nothing in terms of actually getting over any of it. At least now she'd gotten away from DC, and her life no longer felt like a nightmare she couldn't wake up from, but she honestly thought she moved past the worst of her trauma the best part of a decade ago. This was supposed to be a fresh start, but the monsters wouldn't stay buried.

In her head, she could reluctantly acknowledge Gillian might be right, but admitting it aloud felt like defeat, felt like she was giving in to the idea she was only at the start of the process of recovery, and she wasn't sure if she could deal with that thought.

"Why is it so difficult?" It came out plaintive and desperate, and Kate swallowed hard against the sudden constriction in her throat.

"It's hard because you went through something truly horrific and you've never had the chance to get over it. If I had a magic pill or potion for you, Kate, believe me, I would give it to you without hesitation - you would deserve it. But there isn't." Gillian reached out to squeeze Kate's fingers reassuringly, gently unwound the cord Kate had twisted around her hand without even realising, cinched so tightly it left angry red lines on her skin. "You went through hell. It takes time to recover."

Kate frowned. Hell? It had seemed like hell at the time, but... sometimes she felt like a fraud. It could have been so much worse. If Ari hadn't wanted to keep her for himself - or if he'd been there to take what he wanted... She shuddered. "I was lucky," she forced out. "I escaped. No one-" Why was it so difficult to say the word even to say it hadn't happened? "No one raped me."

"But you lived for many weeks under the threat that someone would?"

"I know, but it didn't, they didn't..." She shook her head. Her words were defiant, but when Gillian offered her hand, Kate grabbed it. Gillian held on gently, a thumb soothing over the marks from the cord.

"And you were assaulted both physically and sexually during that time, as well as being put under intolerable psychological and emotional stress."

Kate grit her teeth and closed her eyes. "Yes, but-"

"If Abby or your sister or any other friend of yours had lived through that, would you expect them to just get over it?" Gillian rarely spoke sharply to her, and when that note of steel appeared, it was always a surprise.

Kate slumped down in the chair, and swiped at the tears which were suddenly rolling down her cheeks no matter how much she was trying to stay strong. She sighed deeply. "No," she admitted in a small voice.

Megan had told her the same thing, and Rachel, and it wasn't the first time Gillian had pointed it out. Even the people in her life who weren't therapists or psychologists, who supposedly had no particular insight, had said it, even if they hadn't framed it as precisely and undeniably.

But Kate was still struggling to accept it. All the 'buts' swirled in her mind. _But I'm a federal agent. But I was Secret Service. But I'm supposed to be stronger than this._

"Kate." Gillian waited for her to look up, and her voice was gentle again. "Kate, you're an amazing woman. You dealt with your trauma for years by sheer willpower, and that's admirable." She leaned forward. "But you're safe now. You're allowed to get help. You're not on your own any more. You have the opportunity to deal with what happened to you, to heal, to be whole again. And you deserve it."

Kate screwed up her face. "But why does it hurt so much?" It always came back to that. There should be a way to get through this without feeling so undone all the time, shouldn't there?

Gillian smiled a little. "Because despite your best efforts, you aren't actually superwoman, even if you do a pretty good impression of her at times. And I'm not sure even superwoman could recover from this kind of trauma in a single bound as well as leaping tall buildings."

Kate laughed reluctantly. "Okay. I guess you have a point."

"So, any chance you can stop being so hard on yourself?"

"I-" The tiny improvement in her mood evaporated with a sigh. If she wasn't superwoman, if staying strong and putting a brave face on things wasn't the answer... what was? She wasn't sure how to go about letting herself feel weak and broken without falling to pieces. "I don't know if I can do this," she whispered.

Gillian reached for Kate's other hand, and gently tugged Kate to face her. When Kate looked up, Gillian was searching her expression, warm and earnest. "You can do this," she insisted. "You're already doing this. I know on days like today you can't see it, but you've come such a long way already. I look back at the tense, scared woman who first walked into my office, and you're almost unrecognisable."

"Really?"

"Really."

Kate blinked. Healing seemed to be happening so slowly, but she knew Gillian wouldn't say something she didn't mean. She thought back, tried to imagine how she would've coped if the news of the bombing had happened when she was first settling in here, when a stranger calling her 'Caitlin' could make the hair on the back of her neck stand on end, when she could end up on the edge of a panic attack simply by allowing worry to ambush her, and she had to concede the point.

"You're a remarkable woman, Kate. Don't let what happened to you make you forget that. It would take more than one uppity terrorist to irretrievably break you. Of that I am certain."

A memory surfaced in Kate's mind. 'Being mended... it doesn't make you ugly...' She smiled despite herself. Gibbs was usually so taciturn, but when he did speak... he made it count.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Huh?"

Gillian grinned. "You just relaxed, out of nowhere. You were clinging to me like a barnacle, and now look."

Kate glanced down at her hands, now just resting in Gillian's grasp. "Oh."

"Whatever or whoever it was, I think they might put me out of a job," Gillian remarked, her eyes twinkling.

"I- something a friend said to me." Kate's cheeks felt suddenly hot. Gibbs was a friend, right? Or at least, it was the least complicated way of explaining who and what he was to her. "He said that being mended wouldn't make me ugly." Damn, she hadn't meant to admit the 'friend' was a man.

Gillian just gave her one of those wise, knowing smiles. "Your friend is right. Keep a hold of that one, he's a keeper."

"He lives in DC," she admitted, trying not to let herself get overwhelmed by the regret that always welled up when she thought of all the people she'd left behind. "I don't get to see him- them- often." She was still sure she'd made the right decision, but that didn't stop it from hurting.

Gillian squeezed her hand. "Distance and time are hard, but real friends stay your friends regardless. If they are half as remarkable as you are, Kate, they won't give you up so easily."

Kate nodded, grateful Gillian was letting it go. One of these days she needed to tackle all the complicated emotions Gibbs stirred up in her, but she just wasn't quite ready yet. Maybe when Harper Dearing was safely out of the picture, and she no longer had the nagging fear Gibbs would do something reckless and wind up... hurt.

Gillian studied her face for a few more moments, then smiled again. "I've quite worn you out, haven't I?"

Kate opened her mouth to agree, and a yawn came out instead. They both laughed. "I suppose that's your answer."

"I'll try and be more gentle next time," Gillian promised with a grin as they got up from the couch. "But you're doing so well, Kate. Be proud of the progress you've made." Gillian offered a hug, and Kate sank into it gratefully. Sometimes she couldn't cope with even the most casual touch; other times she craved it. "See you next week, okay? And give my hubby a hard time if you see him out there, he's supposed to be writing."

Kate nodded into Gillian's shoulder and giggled wetly, then reluctantly let go so Gillian could prepare for her next patient.

She was often grateful for the small antechamber between Gillian's office and the outside world. It was a space to breathe, to get herself ready to face real life. Sometimes she stayed here the whole morning. Other patients gave her odd looks, but Gillian just smiled sympathetically and let her be.

Kate looked up when she heard another door click open, and found the practice's other doctor peeking out at her. "All right, darling?"

She smiled wanly. She had met with them both a couple of times before mutually agreeing Gillian was the right fit, but Cal's continued concern for her health and wellbeing was genuine and touching.

"I'm okay," she managed.

He cocked his head. "Hope you don't lie like that to the missus," he said, walking over.

She laughed. He'd made his name researching micro-expressions, and took a little too much pleasure in his mind reading skills. Kate couldn't help thinking it said a lot about Gillian that she could cope with Cal as both husband and business partner without either of them going insane. They were so different, but meshed so well - Kate both admired and envied their rapport. "You know it's really annoying when you do that, right?"

He grinned impishly and reached out to tuck a wayward piece of hair behind her ear. "But it's fun. And it made you laugh. I count that as a big fat win." He always turned on the charm and dialled up his British accent when he was attempting to cheer her up, and there was something endearing about his sincere, cocky, but strangely innocent flirtation. She didn't for one second think he meant anything by it except to tease a smile out of her. It was enough to make her feel noticed and attractive without discomfiting or threatening her.

Shaking her head, she grinned back. "Aren't you supposed to be working on your book?"

Cal pouted. "'S bloody unfair when you girls gang up on me, you know." He gave her another searching look. "How're your mates back in DC?"

Kate took a deep breath before she spoke, but her voice was still wobbly. "Alive."

"They're good at what they do, yeah?" he said, more softly. "Don't forget that, all right?"

She nodded. "I'm trying not to."

He studied her face for a second, then reached out to give her shoulder a reassuring squeeze. "Chin up, love. You'll be okay. You've got big brass ones, you 'ave."

Kate couldn't help but chuckle. "Thanks, I think."

"Oh, was def'nitely a compliment, sweetheart." He winked, then looked at his office door, his expression turning all hangdog. "Got another bugger due soon or I'd stay and have a natter. People are more important than books. And much more interesting, 'specially when they're like you. But look after yourself, yeah?" He pointed a finger at her. "And no more lying to your shrinks."

Kate rolled her eyes. Cal was so good at making her feel better, though she'd probably never admit out loud how much she enjoyed his teasing. "You're not my shrink," she said, then poked her tongue out.

He waggled his eyebrows. "Well y'know, not many women can deal with the distraction of my rugged good looks and raw sexual magnetism when they're trying to wrestle their inner demons..." He pulled a ridiculous face, gave her a silly little wave, then disappeared back into his office.

Kate laughed to herself as she shrugged into her jacket. She sometimes thought that crossing paths with Cal was as much therapy as the hour baring her heart to Gillian. A little male attention, a little humour. She was grateful to the guys in her life here for reminding her, in amongst her reawakened trauma, that not all men were assholes out to exploit or damage her.

Rich was just a quiet presence. She trusted him, and she knew he'd be there if she needed him, but he was married to his work. He saw her first and foremost as an agent, not a woman, which was oddly reassuring.

She and Will were close, but he was like her little brother, their relationship as safe and sexless as it could possibly be. He was about as threatening as the labradoodle puppy he somewhat resembled.

Cal represented a step further outside her comfort zone. He was not a little boy nor a puppy, and when he looked at her, he saw an attractive woman.

Kate understood herself well enough to know it was something that would still freak her out coming from a lot of men, but it didn't with him, and she was grateful. He reminded her of her femininity in a way she could deal with and even appreciate. She'd been so afraid she might never learn to trust a man again, would never feel safe with one again except for those she'd known before her abduction, and she was grateful to realise Hawaii had already proven her wrong three times.

She tugged her jacket more closely around her shoulders as she stepped outside, rolling her eyes at herself for having already got so used to the climate that a day she would've considered positively balmy in Serbia or in the Northeast seemed chilly. But inside, she felt... warm. She felt better.

She _would_ be okay. Between the two of them, Gillian's warm empathy and Cal's cheeky humour, she felt ready to face another week.

_~ fin ~_


End file.
